Losing a loved one

This is something which is very close to my heart and is something we can all relate to  which we will all experience in our lifetimes which is sad to even think about as it is truly heartbreaking! I wish we didn’t have to deal with the whole grief process as it can break the strongest of people.

I have already briefly touched up on this but I lost my mum 16 years ago and it is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with in my life. This is something which I struggle with each day and I miss her more and more every single day!!

I do think that life is rubbish at times as it can throw some hard things our way but as I’ve always been told you are only given what you can cope with and at times I think thats not fair! Why me? Why do I have to say goodbye to so many of my loved ones? Its always me! I am sure those of you who have lost a loved one can truly relate to this.

When it comes to losing a loved one there is the grief process which we go through and there is no time frame for going through this. There are 5 steps of grief. I will go into this a little bit more.

Denial & Isolation

The first reaction to death of a loved one is to deny the reality of the situation. Denial is a defence mechanism which happens with immediate shock of the loss, numbing us of our emotions. We block out the words and hide from the facts. We start to feel as though life is meaningless and is nothing worth any value what so ever. Luckily enough for most people this is a temporary feeling.

Anger

As masking effects of denial and isolation start to wear off, reality starts to set in and with that the pain emerges. We are not ready for this and it comes a little overwhelming. The emotion is directed to anger, this can be aimed at objects, complete strangers, friends or family.

This can be directed at our deceased love one! We know that the person is not to be blamed but emotionally we may resent this person for causing us so much pain and leaving us! I know I feel like this a lot now! As we start to feel guilty for being angry we end up becoming more angry and frustrated.

Bargaining 

The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to be able to regain control through a series of ‘If only’ statements which could include.

If only I could of been there for them….

If only I knew what they was going through…

If only they have spoken to me about this….

If only they had been to see a different doctor and got a second opinion….

This is an attempt to bargain. Guilt often accompanies bargaining. We start to believe there was something we could have done differently to have helped save our loved one, but in reality we know we couldn’t of done anything to help.

Depression

This is one which I can imagine we can all relate to. There are two types of depression which are related to the mourning process. This first one if a reaction to practical implication relating to the loss, sadness and regret predominate this type of depression. We start to become worried about the costs and burial. Worrying about how we have spent less time with others who depend on us.

The second type is more subtle and in a sense more private. It is a quiet preparation to separate and to bid our loved ones a farewell. Sometimes we just really need a hug.

Acceptance

Getting to this stage is something which I could only dream of as I still have not reached this stage! So not everyone can reach this stage, death may be suffer and unexpected or we may never see beyond our anger or denial. It is not a mark of bravery to resist the inevitable and to deny ourselves to chance to make our peace.

Coping with loss is ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience — nobody can help you go through it more easily or understand all the emotions that you’re going through. But others can be there for you and help comfort you through this process. The best thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you. Resisting it only will prolong the natural process of healing.

When it comes to losing a loved one try to take some time for yourself, giving yourself the time to deal with the shock and loss you are going through. This is something which I didn’t do and now I am paying the price. Make sure you remember that each others journey is completely different to the next persons, don’t put pressure on yourself because your sister/brother/friend is dealing with this a lot better and quicker than you! You are different and can’t be compared to anyone else.

I can tell you from my experience that everyone deals with things differently. Life has a way of throwing other things in your path which can delay or speed the process up, you just need to ensure you give yourself the time you need. Even once the grieving process is done you may have good and bad days… allow yourself these days. Even after 16 years I miss my mum every single day and there is not a day that goes by where I don’t think about her…. I love her more than life itself! She was my rock and will be until the day I die!

Is there anything you struggle with when it comes to losing a loved one?

Speak Soon.

*My own Photos

 

 


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Mental Health Tag

As a lot of you still don’t know too much about me I thought I would do this mental health tag so you can find out a little but about me and my mental health.
1. What is your Mental Health Issue?
I suffer with anxiety, depression and PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder).
2. Do you have medication and/or therapy?
I have medication and therapy, so I am a number of different types of medication and go to see the doctor every 6 weeks and the psychologist every 3 months.
3. What therapy/medication have you tried and has any worked for you?
I have had a lot of different things that have worked and which haven’t.
– Counselling didn’t work
– I attended a resilience hub which worked well for me, this was full time for a number of weeks.
I have tried a number of different medications. (I can do a post about this at a later date.)
4. How long have you had problems for?
My problems have come from a trauma which I had when I was 8 years old. I have suffered for about 10+ years.
5. Does your family/friends know?
Yes, they are very supportive.
6. Does this effect your work and daily living?
Yes, it does for sure! The littlest of things make me anxious and as a result it can stop me doing the things which I love.
7. What makes you feel calm?
– Having those around me I love, such as friends and family.
– Speaking to those I care about.
– Medication can help me to calm down sometimes.
– Mindfullness – anything from knitting, colouring or just meditation.
– Writing my feelings down/blogging.
8. What do you do in a crisis?
This is a hard one for me to answer as when I have gotten into a crisis I don’t really speak to anyone and I can go down hill very quickly. As a result I have ended up in hospital a few times. Now I have come along away I would like to think I would reach out to those around me and seek medical help.
9. What advice would you give others suffering?
Don’t let mental health define you! Mental health is an illness and it is part of you but it doesn’t have to be who you are. I think it is really important to seek the right help and speaking to those around you makes such a difference.
10. What makes you smile?
My Dad, my family in general, seeing the support from fellow mental health sufferers.
11. Describe your mental health issue in 5 words.
Draining, painful, overwhelming, crippling and frustrating.
12. Insert a picture to make people smile.
cute-hedgehogs-in-hats-5890a1e71670e__700

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Harmful behaviour

After speaking to numerous people about mental health and the way people try to ‘punish’ themselves or release the pain is very interesting and I think there is a lot of harmful behaviour which we do when suffering with mental health that we don’t really realise. So I though this would be a good opportunity to bring this to light and go through as this is something we can all learn from and hopefully start to look after ourselves a little better.

So I am going to start with the most common ones which we are more than likely we are all aware of.

Cutting 

This explains its self if you ask me. however, a lot of people going through mental health will hurt themselves by cutting themselves this could be anywhere on the body and this will leave scars trust me! I know the release this can have when you are suffering so much pain but you need to talk to people and source help, this will not get better and will lead down a more dangerous road, I have been there not so long ago and it is not a nice road to be on.

 

Punching, slapping, pinching etc

It can be very easy when you are in a very down time in your life to hurt yourself, this could be punching yourself, pinching yourself or slapping. This can feel good at the time but trust me after it will be painful if you have done this hard. It can leave bruises and could also cause some permanent damage if you do this in certain places. You need to look after yourself and if you feel like you need to punch, pinch or slap something get a pillow or a teddy or something do not to this to yourself or anyone else.

Tablets

Well I can imagine by now you know where this is going. When we are suffering with mental health we can see that the only way out is to die and well I can tell you now this isn’t the way out, you need to fight through this with the support of the GP’s, doctors and well family and friends. This has helped me and you do not want to be reaching for the medicine cabinet as a lot of the time it won’t work and you will just be in so much pain you will be wanting it to be over and even thinking ‘Why did I do this?’. Only take medication in the recommend amounts and if the doctor has advised you to take this.

Smoking, drinking/drugs

Well this is the route a lot of people go down. Going out with friends having a good time and drinking the pain away. People seeing you having a good time, well this is far from the truth you will be drowning your sorrows with vodka or what ever tickles your fancy. Let me tell you this does not end well before you know it this will be your coping mechanism and this is not healthy. If you see yourself going this way you need to seek out help. Smoking more can be a coping mechanism too and don’t let these things take control as you may be surprise what you can do without these.

Unprotected sex 

This might sound like a bit of an odd one, I know. Going out and having unprotected sex with people you don’t know or have no interest in actually being with can be a sign of self-harm. As you are not taking care of your body, you most certainly are not looking after yourself. Who knows what could happen and well I really do think that you need to ensure that you do look out for yourself at all times. If you are going to meet someone and you do have a bit of a fumble then make sure you use protection. If you have done this then I would recommend going to the doctors to get yourself checked out for any STI’s etc.

Extremely hot/cold showers

I can here you all now.. this isn’t a harmful behaviour. Well actually this is actually a form of self harm as you are either putting your body through extremely cold temperatures or extremely hot and this is not good for you, especially if you are already delegate which a lot of the time your body will be run down due to all the stress and pain it is going through. You wouldn’t put yourself through any of this if it was just a ‘normal’ physical illness would you… didn’t think so!

Over-eating or under-eating 

This is something we can all be guilty of at time to time, some worse than others. I think this is one which we need to really keep an eye out with our loved ones as the damage can be very dangerous. If you have any reason to think a loved one is doing this, please seek out medical help.

These are some of the most common types of harmful behaviour and think this is something which we all need to be aware of, as sometimes we don’t realise we are doing these. I can say I have been victim to a lot of these and well it is not nice to see the scars and damage which has been caused as result. We need to make it known what the dangerous of these are and well provide the support needed. Please help those who need you and provide the support! I really want to make take away the stigma that surround this and need you help to make this happen!

Have you been victim to any of these harmful behaviours?


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